I. I am the only Toledo Stand-up Comedian in History to Literally Break a Leg right before a show. 7 months in of his 1st year doing it! Leading to a coupla months benched. I finally was able to get to an Open Mic in August on a walker. An now you see before you the limpy-est local comedian talent in town.
Which brings me to constructs. What are they you magnificent bipolar bastard? Well I’ll tell ya. They’re the building blocks of reality. As anyone familiar with the science knows, Humanity’s first construct was when they took a good look around themselves and formed the Construct, WHAT THE FUCK!!! And those constructs. Those what what the fucks that followed let to my very first What the Fuck?
Best I can remember I said something inappropriate to a nurse. Next thing I know I’m hanging from my feet and someone does something inappropriate to my factory fresh derrière. So I guess my first Construct was I Didn’t Expect Existence to be so…I wanna say…Erotic? But when the leather came out? They were crossing a red infant line! Bobby don’t go there.
Yeah…mind does tend to wander while you’re mending a broke leg at home. Sorry. But at least we all learned something about Constructs tonight. Teach this to your children.
Anyway. This is my graduation night. And I hope to be celebrating my one year anniversary right here next month when the journey began. So audience! You know what your have to do. Start a letter writing campaign. I’m sorry. Senior moment. Or stoned one. Who’s ta say! I mean bombard this place’s socials! DEMAND THAT I BE ON THE LINEUP NEXT MONTH! And I’m sure ALL of your asses will be in these seats for the blessed event! And Natasha? There better be cake.
German Chocolate out of a box will do. That means that there’ll only be enough for me and my people. The rest of you? You want cake? Pry open your wallets ya cheap fucks! Pause Pause Pause. Oh Shit! Hey Natasha! I am so sorry. I just remembered I still owe you for a solid you did me a few months back. Can we call it even?
So in the words of that great historical construct that exists in our minds. Let Them Eat Cake. Just not in the Funny Bone when they present my Anniversary Extravaganza Special. Now it’s only a rumor that Sir Elton John will be in attendance.
Seriously. Thank you Funny Bone for that 1st taste of this addiction of mine. 1st hit’s free, Right? I was scratching up my arms my hot shots of Stand-up. I would’ve gone short sleeved. But 1st rule of comedy is don’t horrify the audience. And I’d like to thank all the talented funny people who I’ve shared the mic with this last year. Mostly supportive. Some not. So for that have dared naysay my arcane comedic arts. I say unto you. Bite my tiny crank. Thought I’d go out classy!